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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25459366">Unbroken Wings</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SignsTimeMemory/pseuds/SignsTimeMemory'>SignsTimeMemory</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety Disorder, Depression, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, fighting to get peace back, from the reunion onwards</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:08:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25459366</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SignsTimeMemory/pseuds/SignsTimeMemory</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"He had shown up arms crossed to his chest and wearing a proud smile; it had felt like a reprieve from her constant heartache".</p>
<p>To have gone through something that breaks your spirit is already hard to think about...but to try to pick up the pieces is even harder, especially when a part of you doesn't want to and just wishes to give up.<br/>After Santa Barbara, Ellie has forgiven Joel...but can't seem to forgive herself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Unbroken Wings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi; it's B, and absolutely in love with TLOU2.<br/>After I finished the game i needed to ponder while we wait news on more (Neil pls show me that reunion,Neil pls DLC and Neil pls part3).<br/>It's definitely gonna be a long fic I really want to look well into the after-SB.<br/>I've happened to write plenty of fics in the past but if i may say i m a bit scaredy cuz I've not written anything in almost 2 years; Ellie and Dina have sparked that fire back into me, so of course I had to get back into it.<br/>Needless to say we all know the game has truly turned into a life changing experience for all of us. I solemnly vow to be as faithful as I can be to them as they been gifted to us.<br/>But enough of my note, let's get into it...</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Upon second thought she refrased her very first idea. The windows needed to stay open. </p>
<p>It wasn't really much needed, and she hated it but Dina had loved it and as empty as the place would be made, more than it already was, it was a little reminder of something that had ended up being endearing to her...when she had thought she could be at peace without having given herself closure. It reminded her of that last night before her journey. </p>
<p>Against any odd she had not met her end in Santa Barbara. It had given her clarity to forgive and for the first time to understand why Joel had saved her.</p>
<p>She regretted to relay that said understanding didn't comprise of knowing or having the least idea how to forgive herself.</p>
<p>For bein a fault in the plan, for Joel leaving forever without bein able to do anythin about it, for feeling bad for what had happened in Seattle, after and for the simple fact that for the second time in her life a part of her felt like living instead of just existing and rejoincin in moments was a plan, but it wasn't enough to steer her from the edge; even moreso than the first time. She wasn't enough...or she was too much; but never the right way. Not worth the trouble, simple as that.</p>
<p>One night just out of California and still trippin over her injured body she had dreamed of the moment she had held JJ for the first time.</p>
<p>Just for those few minutes it had all finally made sense; why Joel had saved her. Ellie had carved out an image of him  doin the same with Sarah in the world before, before the outbreak and before she was even a thought in her mother's mind, eerily aware of having once again managed to resemble him in another aspect of her life.</p>
<p>She had recalled a hot Colorado day on their path to the Fireflies, in what felt like a lifetime ago;when he had finally opened up a bit about his story,had started telling her what having Sarah had meant to him....</p>
<p>It had been a flicker of a flame, the memory slipping away before getting the part she'd rather forget; it felt nice once again to remember him in a different way than the day she had lost him.</p>
<p>Before the warm and fuzzy feeling settlin in her broken heart got crushed away by an immense sense of grief, for all the things he'd have missed.</p>
<p>For all the moments in which her mind had had to conjure him there; standing by her side, missing out on somethin he should've been there to share with her.</p>
<p>JJ had felt so tiny and helpless in her arms, that she had wished Joel there tellin her it was gonna be okay. No harm would've ever befallen the life she was holding in her arms.</p>
<p>He had shown up arms crossed to his chest and wearing a proud smile; it had felt like a reprieve from her constant heartache.</p>
<p>For the following two weeks, Ellie had lived in a daze, incapable of understandin how somebody was relying on her and to a much deeper level than the way she had once done with Joel; and cried herself to sleep every night thanking a god she didn't believe in for her luck...</p>
<p>The daze had been broken by nightmares and panic attacks; at some point, plaguing her into believing that no matter all the fences, traps or measures anything could still happen and if she had failed Dina and JJ, destiny would've given her the ultimate punishment and taken the two people that made her feel alive.</p>
<p>Her life wasn't worth it but it was noble Joel had thought so, she was grateful. It had given her a chance to know what true love was....and do things her 14 years old self thought impossible for her.</p>
<p>She just hoped Dina deemed her deserving of being remembered by her and JJ. Whatever were her feelings...even if she didn't matter to her anymore; Ellie could make her peace with being unworthy to the woman that she had loved more than her life itself but struggled with the fear of being so unworthy that Dina would've erased her from JJ's memories and life.</p>
<p>She hadn't hurt JJ too....had she?</p>
<p>Dina had left so much stuff here,quite literally half the house...what could she possibly want from her.</p>
<p>If her mind hadn't been so jumbled up she'd have listened to reason tellin her that no matter the anger; Dina wouldn't erase her from their son's life....but in the dead of the night, each and every fuckin night whatever was left of her broken and stumped on heart would tell her otherwise. That she had found the peace she had so much asked for but it would never be what she wanted as long as they weren't there. </p>
<p>Maybe, she reasoned, the only peace she had properly found was the understanding of death...which was the reason why the revolver was safely tucked in her pocket...</p>
<p>The purpose was always the same, each night since she had come home to an empty farm....but no matter how much she wanted it her coward ass would shut her down.</p>
<p>She didn't have a life, she didn't have her family, even tho she had left to make sure to bring them back peace, so they could be a family forever; she would never have back all the people she had lost, half her wits and two fingers....All she was was a burden, a cosmic joke, a coward and a cripple; but the burden couldn't even remove herself from the world and do it the only favor she could still pay it.</p>
<p>If she couldn't save it with a cure, she'd save it from the monster she was.</p>
<p>When she stopped feelin guilty for being alive, she'd start feelin guilty for not being able to end it. And then when she didn't feel guilty for that..she'd feel guilty for thinkin about that; like a part of her consciousness was still trying to convince her that there were people who cared about her and would've cared if she was gone.</p>
<p>She'd drop the damn revolver to the hallucinated sound of Dina's laughter, baby footsteps and a fuckin tune 'n conversation that sounded exactly like the one she had had with Joel when he had gifted her the guitar; now sitting uselessly to her left. </p>
<p>So the windows needed to stay open...they'd carry away whatever regret she might feel over her decision...that was it; no more second guessing, no more pros and cons; maybe if she hit her head hard enough those sounds would go away and she'd be up for her last journey.</p>
<p>Ellie smoothed out the wrinkled up paper besides her and sat by the window of her art room...she held onto her diary and tried to picture herself at peace, like the one she had looked for; tried to abate the tears that wouldn't stop comin down, and stop her beating heart from rushing so hard as it betrayed her will; like the fucker couldn't get that all she longed for was being gone.</p>
<p>She dared to glance again at the paper besides her; to give herself more strength. One last letter, on a page ripped from her diary; it only felt right it should come from there, where she had buried the deepest manifestations of her feelings.</p>
<p>
  <em>To the privileges of my life</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I understand now what Joel meant, when he'd say that the key to surviving was always finding something to fight for. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>For a long time, you Dina and JJ were my something to fight for.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I know that struggle, and I know you do too babe and I know it goes far beyond what he meant and </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I am afraid to say that I have lost it. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I don't feel shame and I'm not afraid of it; for the first time i see clarity in my plans. I'll be safe, and so will you, without me.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>There's only thing that grieves me and it's letting you, the two most important people in my life, go; nothing grieves me more than leaving and putting this new burden on you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>They'll talk like they know what it feels like and pretend to feel sorry as if me being gone could ever stop me from loving you; or they'll probably be happy because I'm a ghost who pretended to be human once, and you deserve better than a burden.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I've never wanted to hurt you or make you cry; and the fact that I did both THAT NIGHT, before leaving, haunts me more than my own self and bad thoughts.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You've the right to burn this down because I don't deserve you, nor our son; but your heart is bigger than anythin I've ever known so please don't erase me. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I don't care if you never loved me or didn't love me as much as I do, but you kept me alive when I was already starting to feel dead inside....</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm a failure and a monster and I never could amount to anything good or get anythin right or save anyone; not even myself, but I loved you and JJ more than the life I didn't want and you deserve an explanation.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I didn't do it...I tried, I had her there but I couldn't do it....this wouldn't have brought him back and I didn't want to disappoint him...not more than I already will with this.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He died for saving me and to make my life matter and this is how I repay him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Do you reckon there's a hell? Do you believe in it, the way you believe in heaven,Dina? I'm okay if you're prayin I end up in hell....I think you've sent me more to hell in the past four or fives months than you ever have since the day we met. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Don't be scared...you and JJ will be BETTER OFF WITHOUT me, my nightmares, my anxiety, my depression, my trauma and my mess; I refuse to INFECT you and him with such horrible thoughts.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I love you always; Ellie.</em>
</p>
<p>She perceived in her mind the same readiness she had felt that day in Salt Lake, nobody was takin this chance away this time around. Joel was gone, Maria 'n Tommy didn't know she was back(and they surely didn't care) and her family was tucked in bed safely in Jackson , they'd not have to look at her brain splattered on the walls of what once used to be her family's home. She could rot in there 'till somebody had passed by to steal whatever it was they needed....it grieved her they'd have not found more supply; she hoped they'd not damn her over it; reminded of the huge number of cornered notes she had found in her journeys.</p>
<p>For all she had lived thro, never had the thought crossed she might reach their voices someday...be one of them. </p>
<p>Events had turned it all around for her; in such quietness it didn't feel so scary anymore...darkness scared her more than the revolver at her head.</p>
<p>The revolver had saved her and her whole family so many times.....</p>
<p>Her family's portraits were glaring at her; judging her, tellin her no matter what she chose she was wrong...a coward, takin the easy way out.</p>
<p>She made a great effort of tryin not to glance, free her mind and damned her passion for drawing for they felt so lively as if they were there standing right in front of her.</p>
<p>When her eyes looked up at the door she felt like she had lost it....her mind had conjured up Dina right in front of her and cries of a baby from down below; as if they could possibly know she was back and yet they felt so real that her face crumbled at the idea of her screwed up mind choosing that image as the last one.</p>
<p>She huddled under the corner cryin and sobbin and kickin and screamin in a way that reminded her of JJ during a tantrum; that they weren't real, that they needed to leave her. </p>
<p>"Ellie"</p>
<p>"<em>No....y-you...need...you need to go you're not...real...it can't be"</em></p>
<p>
  <em>"Ellie, please, they told me you're back, they saw you at the edge of town a couple of days ago, why didn't you come right back to Jackson?"</em>
</p>
<p>Her hallucination came forward, steppin up under the thin light the moon and the stars offered...her hand flew quickly from her head to hold the weapon right in front of her...</p>
<p>She had been saying goodbye that day.</p>
<p><em>"You're..just in my head....she'd never want anything to do anymore with me...not after what I did to her....not after what I did to our son".</em> She laughed derisively at herself.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Ellie, I promise..."</em>
</p>
<p><em>"...Prove it...Stay...that's what you</em> <em>said</em>" and her voice broke just thinking about it "....was<em> I s-so bad to you? Did I ever make you happy?  Was there...one single moment you're mine? Please don't lie to me. "</em></p>
<p>What she was still extremely convinced to be a full blown hallucination of the woman of her life looked her in the eyes before her face fell, like she had stomped on her heart all over again. Ellie felt like dyin as if it were a confirmation that every single thing she had done; she had done it wrong.</p>
<p>She had failed in the only purpose she had left in life; making Dina and JJ happy.</p>
<p>Whatever words came after she tried to not hear; shaking her head, disgusted with herself even more than before, if possible.</p>
<p>Nothin could convince her of the fact that they were true. It was all lies pretend Dina was tellin her; that she wanted to hear in her mind but that real Dina would've never told her....at least not after what she had done.</p>
<p>The pretend hallucination crossed the room like there wasn't a gun half pointed at her; one hand fell on it; the other on Ellie's face; like the night she had left.</p>
<p><em>"The night I kissed you.....was one of the best nights of my life" </em>she whispered like a secret between them "and...<em>if somehow the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment...I'd do it all over again"</em></p>
<p>
  <em>"I left you...I went....I was...there...and I didn't do it...I came thro one hell of a cliff you should see it..you'd go crazy for it...and then there was this big doom...I thought...he said the exact same thing".</em>
</p>
<p>Pretend Dina looked at her surprised waiting for an explanation; and Ellie realized she had spat out a half tale in which nothing seemed to make sense, more or less like her mind at the moment.</p>
<p><em>"He said that....the night before he...I said I'd have at least tried to forgive him and he said....he s-said the same thing...am I dead?" </em>she laughed and her laughters mixed with the tears and an incredible pallor as if the blood were rushin out of there for real, and her attempt had succeded.</p>
<p>Ellie surveyed the room with lost eyes and then dropped the revolver laying down on the hard floor and huggin her knees in contempt.</p>
<p>She slowly followed Dina with her eyes as she crouched down and then laid beside her.</p>
<p>"<em>I get it...now...why you did it....you needed to have peace and you couldn't have it as long as you didn't deal with what had happened. You needed closure and to let it go in your terms. I couldn't be there, you need to know I'd have been in there. You go, I go; remember? I promised, no matter what; and I'll spend the rest of my life amending for that; if you let me... but I couldn't leave JJ alone...ok? I was afraid we'd not make it back, he'd have no one; our little boy didn't deserve to know what it's like to be alone...."</em></p>
<p>Lookin in Ellie's shiny eyes with tears quickly pooling to hers; Dina felt as if she were talkin to a scared animal, to a baby..like they used to talk to JJ when he had first learned crowlin, before Ellie left for Santa Barbara. Sitting or layin down and always encouraging him to go their way....</p>
<p>Her sobs had died down, she wasn't talkin nor trembling anymore, her mind wasn't runnin as it seemed to before, and her body was rigid like that of a statue. </p>
<p>If she hadn't been lookin in her lover's eyes, if she hadn't known better, from years of just taking her in, from the day they had first met to the moment she had chosen her to make a family and share lifetimes together,  she'd have thought that Ellie was done.</p>
<p>In a very untimely way, it reminded her of that stupid radio always glitching and stuttering, constantly dying on her back in Seattle...mapping out locations between vomiting and worrying and the neverending rain tapping on the ceiling and the rusted windows........of fallin asleep in her lover's arms.</p>
<p>She had watched the light die in Ellie's eyes everyday more, and only now had she realized....she had watched it happen...comforted by the belief that as time passed and JJ grew up and they grew older; all would've faded to just a bad memory; and the boulder sitting on her lover's chest would've destroyed itself replaced by happy moments to live with them....</p>
<p>Only now did she realize that love and time weren't enough to heal a battered and broken soul...it also took patience,understanding and facing one more time what had broken it in the first place. She had thought she could deal for both...but she was fooling herself too...she hadn't been dealing either; just fooling herself better into it....she had realized it in the short time she had spent in Jackson, for the past few weeks while pondering if there was still any hope left and by that consideration and consequently wanting to keep JJ safe, if she should move back in town forever; always waiting for a sign, leaving the house half full like a shrine, in the hopes that against any rational thought, Ellie had made it back in the only way she wanted to see her again. Back alive and by her side.</p>
<p>It looked like Ellie had managed to find it in her heart to forgive Joel, to take a step forward at getting better; but forgiving herself was a whole different matter....and she may as well have lost herself completely in the process...or so Dina feared.</p>
<p>Ellie had fallen deaf to her words, and the eyes she had fallen immediately in love with were lookin back at her vitreous, glassy and unseeing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
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